My thoughts: Part 1

I'm  typing from my mom's tablet so we'll have to see how far I make it before wanting to throw this out the window. Plus my nails are really not co-operating.

OK, first off, I want to give a shout-out to my Russian readers! I was going through my stats and I see I've got some hits from there,  welcome folks!

So, to keep my blog alive during non-dating spells, I've decided to do reflection posts. I will label them, so you dont have to read them if you dont want to.

When my marriage blew up,  I decided to go to counselling. It's nothing I'm ashamed of, in fact it was more or less 6 one hour sessions of me bawling my eyes out. He advised I start keeping a diary, writing down my thoughts on the situation each day and just using it to vent. It's been 3 months now and I'm sure if anyone read it, they'd need counselling themselves.
So, from the past week, 3 statements have been made to me that really got my mind going. I will also use this opportunity to open up a little bit of my past. I will try my darnest to keep this as drama free as possible.

Statement 1:

"I know us men can be dumb and big headed but a cooler head will prevail. No doubt he still cares for you since us men love to hurt then ones we love because we dont have the words or heart to think otherwise; He's bitter. I encourage you to stand firm, he will eventually come to his wits."

The Background:
I had mentioned I believe in Calvin's post, that I prefer to talk to men who are going through separations well. I've seen a quote around that says "Find  someone whos demons are compatible with yours" and to me it's true. "Chris" messaged me asking me to give a woman's standpoint on separation. I told him the truth, the amount of disrespect that gets thrown around is terrible.
Throughout my marriage, respect was something low on the totem pole. It should never have been, I will agree and all I wanted most of all was to have that changed. I don't know why I thought it'd get better through the separation... silly me!
Disrepect is a giant circle. It was a slippery slope we could not get off of. I wont give you details but this statement got me thinking....if your spouse is your best friend, why is it when we're angry, we take it out on them?
I remember reading in one of my marriage books that if you're emotionally bonded with someone, you  want them to feel all your emotions too. I tend to disagree with both of these statements. If I was angry, the last thing I wanted was for him to be angry, for he had a temper. The only thing I will stand firm on is I won't tolerate any more disrespect. We have both said very hurtful things to each other, but when I go out of my way to do favours, the last thing I expect is disrespect. Not only am I being disrespected, but so are my kids.

So in conclusion, I truly believe if you love someone you don't disrespect them. Maybe because I'm not a guy I think differently. I will say with every honest bone in my body that I don't love him anymore, the manipulation, lies, and disrespect really overshadows everything.
Anyways, moving on.

Statement 2:

"Some women need to define themselves by the relationship they're in. They will do everything in their power to cement it; including spread rumours and lie"

The Background

I was at a playdate when the conversation turned to my current situation. I would never understand how my ex was so quick to move on until I actually flipped the 'women' to 'him'. Well now that became interesting didn't it!
I have never been the type to define myself by the type of relationship I was in. I never changed the minute they pronounced us man and wife. I stayed Kelly, the hardworking, pretty much single mom who always put her family's needs first.
To this day, that's exactly who I still am, and maybe thats what our demise was, I was with my polar opposite. Someone who thought the minute the papers were signed I'd magically become someone I never would be.
Dont get me wrong, I'm sure being in a relationship is fantastic but looking back, I like me. I don't have to worry about being yelled at for the house not being cleaned, my legs havent been shaved in a month, never knowing what personality of my husband's I was facing that day, and the only people I have to answer to are my kids.
Maybe it's my upbringing, (being an only child) or the fact that my husband was a truckdriver but I never had to depend on anyone, let alone let it define me.
So, in conclusion:
Women will do anything to cement a relationship, that's nothing new we're pretty manipulative creatures. However if you need to base your entire relationship off of 'changing' yourself, then what type of relationship is that?

Statement 3:

"She's in mama bear mode. You f*ck with her cubs, and she will destroy you"

The Background

Ah, this one is my favourite. Of course it's about me and really, it's dead on. My babies are my life. My oldest son (well, only one at this time) is a very sensitive child. I knew that right from the beginning. He's also very innocent. He doesn't know what's happening and I will protect both of them from any hurt. It's my job. No doubt this entire situation is hurting him and it just KILLS me. I remember the day all of this blew up and I just held him telling him how sorry I was, crying my eyes out. He didn't know what was happening but he just sat there and eventually, grabbed me kleenex's.
How people can just walk in and out of children's lives I will never understand. Maybe because I never had to. My biological father died when I was 6 months and my step father raised me as his own. Do we not understand that these are little people who are depending on us for guidance and support? Has moral been completely thrown out the window?
In conclusion:
As I'm typing this, belly baby is kicking up a storm so don't worry kiddo, I haven't forgotten about you! It's sad but at the same time, kind of relieving that he'll never have to experience what my other son has. It will be his norm.

Well, feel free to post comments about this. Everyone's thoughts count!